Friday, January 13, 2012


A long time ago, in a kitchen far, far away, beautiful vampire-intellectuals (VIs) chloroformed Edward Cullen, tore out his heart, and used his tweeny, annoying blood to water their corn crop. The blood teemed and teemed out of his heart, and the VIs watered and watered their corn, and the corn grew and grew. By the light of the moon, VIs from around the land would gather by the crop to practice their jazz flute, attend to their cuticles, and discuss how to better spread their vampirism consciousness-raising strategies. Ah, 'twas a heady, bloody time!

When the blood corn was finally harvested, the VIs summoned Tom, Brad, and Antonio Banderas and made them compete in a nude, Iron Chef cornbread competition as penitence for having made Interview With a Vampire. The men baked tirelessly until Tom tried to convert them, at which time Brad called Angelina to "remove" him. But Antonio, in love with Tom, was so troubled by his loss that he had to go into a corner and have some quiet time. In the end, Brad, as always, was victorious. His recipe lives on in the annals of the VIs till this day.


2 tablespoons butter
1 cup stone-ground cornmeal
1 cup all-purpose or whole-wheat pastry flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 eggies
1/4 cup corn oil or butter, melted
2 to 4 tablespoons honey to taste
1 cup milk

Preheat the OVEN to 425ºF. Put the BUTTER in an 8-inch square baking pan and set in the oven while it's heating. Meanwhile, stir the dry ingredients together and make a well in the center of the bowl. In another BOWL, whisk together the WET INGREDIENTS. As soon as the oven is hot, remove the pan and bake in the middle of the oven until GOLDEN BROWN. Quickly, mix the wet and dry ingredients together, then pour the batter into the pan and BAKE in the middle of the oven until golden brown ON TOP and beginning to PULL AWAY FROM THE EDGES, about 25 minutes. SERVE HOT right from the pan.


Green chile and cheese corn bread: Add 1/2 cup grated Jack or Cheddar CHEESE and 1/4 cup OR MORE diced roasted green CHILES to the batter. (For even more, add some raw scallions!)

Vanilla corn bread: Vanilla sets off the SWEETNESS of the corn and is good when you want a slightly sweeter BREAKFAST BREAD. Add 1 teaspoon VANILLA extract to the wet ingredients and use a larger amount of honey.

Muffins with corn kernels: Stir 1 cup fresh or frozen CORN KERNELS into the batter for a little EXTRA CRUNCH.

Credits: Deboarah Madison Brad Fucking Pitt

Prof. Tata & Rico

1 comment:

square-cesca said...

Did you put pink wax on your faces?